The Black Guy's Guide to Landing White Chicks

The Sentinel's satirical guide to breaking down racial barriers

By: Chach

Posted: 9/19/07

I know what you may be thinking already; yeah, I'm white. I'm a total honky. At a healthy mix of Italian and Croatian, I have no place giving advice for black guys. But, after consulting several black friends of mine and watching two whole seasons of Flavor of Love, I assure you that I speak from a position of authoritative knowledge. So, for all of my slightly darker colleagues who have ever dreamed of hooking up with a Caucasian female, I humbly offer you a few tips on how to seal the deal.

Befriend a white guy
It's been years since serious integration began in our society, yet unfortunately tangible results of our homogenization are still hard to come by. Looking around campus, you'll notice that white people still tend to hang out with other white people, and black people still tend to hang out with other black people. Whether this is a result of persistent racial tensions or university "diversity" programs that continue to draw divisive distinctions between minorities and the majority, it doesn't matter. All you need to know is that crossing those racial lines is paramount to your success. So find yourself a token white guy to hang out with, and show up to some of his preppy house parties. The girls there will start to wonder, "Whoa, who's the black guy?"

Wear Ohio State gear wherever you go
Let's face it, most white girls come from white backgrounds, and they don't really know much about your race. For that matter, she doesn't know much about you. Use this to your advantage. The brilliant duo of your skin tone and your Ohio State gear will leave her no other alternative than to assume that you must be an athlete. After all, everybody knows black people are better athletes than white people. Think about it. There are tons of black guys that play for the Buckeyes, and white girls don't know anything about most of them. Say you are a cornerback if you're a smaller guy or a linebacker if you're bigger. I shit you not - I once knew a girl who stumbled out of house party bedroom exclaiming, "I just swallowed National Championship cum!" Yes my friends, your little fib will act as the Gatorade that will quench the celebrity thirst of dumb white sluts all over campus.

Join a white girl's study group
But, maybe you're not looking for a slut - totally understandable. So, try this one out. It's a truly unfair stereotype that black people are inferior in academics to white people. While it is a totally false assumption, and most people do not attribute such academic values to race, there are a few uncultured vixens still at large. So join the study group of a white girl from class. Your interest in academics may surprise her and leave her thinking, "Wow, he's no dummy. Maybe he won't kill me." After studying, make your move. Not only will she do you, but she'll probably do your homework too.

Join a traditionally white fraternity
Every white frat seems to have one or two black guys floating around in the mix, but let's face it; they shed their street cred years ago. Having sold out to whitey, these guys traded in their gold chains for seashell necklaces, their Roca Wear for Abercrombie, and their 50 Cent CDs for Dave Matthews posters. But you should notice something else. These guys are landing sorority sweethearts. I'm sure some of you would never even think of doing something like this; it's almost as if you'd be betraying your roots. Whatever. Being a white black guy always produces results. With enough work, you could be a Presidential candidate. See: Barack Obama.

Say you have a huge penis
Not just 10 inches huge - I mean a foot and a half huge. The truth is, not many white girls have ever seen black dick before, but oh, have they heard all about them. This is one stereotype that you should be proud of. You will drive a girl absolutely wild at the thought of something so hugedickulous. Curiosity alone is enough to kill her cat.

Just be a low-down dirty gangsta
If you don't like any of the above suggestions, don't sweat it. Some girls just love taboo. Think about it. Daddy's precious little girl leaves the white suburbs to find the exact kind of guy daddy never wanted her to be with. Daddy spent years being overprotective and telling her "no" to all the naughty things she wanted to back in high school. What better revenge than for her to bring you and your hardcore persona back home for Thanksgiving dinner with the whole family? Fulfill every unfair, negative stereotype in the book. Rap to her. Swear at her. Degrade her. Steal from her. Each one will just make her want you more and more. Then cheat on her or knock her up. She'll fucking love that shit.

What it all boils down to is a lack of proper integration. The current unfortunate racial climate means she still doesn't know much about you, so she'll rely on cheap stereotypes for which to base her judgments about you. The reality is really a sad one, but it's a sad one you can use to your advantage. And after all, who cares if something is wrong when it can help get you laid?