Hillary Clinton Ends Campaign for Democratic Presidential Nomination

The Clintons turn their attention to "winning the WWE tag team championship"

By: Kevin O'Rourke

Posted: 2/22/08

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton shocked the Democratic Party when two days after a successful Super Tuesday, she announced that she was no longer campaigning for the Democratic presidential nomination because she wanted "to win the World Wrestling Entertainment's tag team title with Bill".

In her hometown of Chicago, with Bill at her side, as well as World Wrestling Entertainment Chairman Vince McMahon and reigning WWE tag team champions John Morrison and the Miz, Clinton explained her decision. "For the last several months, Bill and I have worked as a team trying to tear down Barack Obama." Clinton said. "We have questioned his experience. We have accused him of liking the Republican economic policies of the 1980s. We've accused him of saying one thing and doing the other. Hell, we even questioned his blackness. And what do we get for our political deception and cunning? A Super Tuesday split; an 85-delegate lead. Although politics used to be the preeminent arena for deception, dishonesty, and slanderous personal attacks, this is no longer the case. Because of this shift in political values, Bill and I felt it was best if we competed in an arena that rewarded deception, falsities, and character attacks."

When asked why she chose the WWE, Clinton was forthright, "The World Wrestling Entertainment has a long history of cheating, deceiving, and corruption. I'm sure everyone remembers the Montreal Screwjob of 1997, essentially forcing Brett 'the Hitman' Hart out of the WWF. Since then, there have been countless other wrestlers who have unfairly lost their deserved titles as well."

Clinton acknowledged that the show was scripted but, "Bill and I have a lot of money, and we're pretty confident that we can buy off most of the refs and writers. Once we have enough little people under our control we can win all of the title belts, and it will be just like the good ol' days of politics."

Clinton, who held a small lead, 1,045 delegates to 960 delegates, over Illinois senator Barack Obama, ended her campaigning, but refused to endorse Senator Obama or remove her name from the ballot. "I absolutely will not endorse Barack Obama. He has a poster of Ronald Reagan in his room. He's whiter than Bill, and Bill plays a mean jazz sax which basically makes him half black. And Barack has no experience when it comes to extra marital affairs in the greater DC area."

When she was told that the Democrats would expect her to rally behind a candidate as a show of solidarity, Clinton exploded. "Just because I am not actively campaigning for the presidency doesn't mean I don't want to be president. I threw $5 million of my own money into Super Tuesday; you think I'm not going to buy my way on to all of the other ballots? I endorse Hillary Clinton, and my husband approves this message."

For his part, McMahon was thrilled. "You know we've had a lot of celebrities join the WWF over the years: Mr. T, Pete Rose, Cyndi Lauper, Ozzy Ozbourne, Mike Tyson, Laurence Taylor; this is the first time the celebrity hasn't been a complete crack job." McMahon paused for a moment, seemingly pondering what he'd just said. "Though, I suppose some people probably find her crazy. At any rate, we've always done well with our celebrity guests and the Clintons will be no different. Even if everybody does think they're socialist nut jobs, Bill has quite the charming personality and, as evidenced by her campaign, Hillary is very good at yelling, so they should fit right in."

Clinton's drastic change in her profession has caused a dramatic shift in the Democratic Party. Democrats, who were once publicly supporting Clinton, now privately celebrate the party's good fortune. According to long time Democratic strategist James Carville, the Democrats are secretly thrilled. "Don't get me wrong, the party was excited to get Bill back into office, but many of the party's leaders felt Hillary was too polarizing; while one group of people hated her, the other group wished she would fall off the face of the Earth" Carville said.

Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean echoed Carville's assertions. "Well you guys have already got the picture. I was about to say, 'I'm sure there are some disappointed people here', but you know what? If you had told us one year ago that Hillary was going to drop out of the race while she held the lead, we would have given anything for that." Dean exclaimed, barely able to contain his excitement. "And you know something, and you know something, not only are they tired of her in New Hampshire, Tom Larkin, but so is South Carolina, and Oklahoma, and Arizona, and North Dakota, and New Mexico, and California, and Texas, and New York, and South Dakota, and Oregon, and Washington, and Michigan, and Washington DC…byahhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Obama, reached at his home in Chicago, wasn't surprised by the decision. "For the last several months I have been running an honest campaign aimed at bringing some integrity back into politics and giving hope to this country, but I have been running against a two headed monster so enamored with power that they don't mind creating falsities about me and then using those falsities as personal attacks. Honestly, I think they're perfect for the WWF. With Hillary now pursuing other options, I look forward to pummeling any of the Republican challengers."

Clinton's decision couldn't have come at a worse time for Republicans. John McCain has slowly but surely begun to distance himself from Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee, but the party fears that John is too moderate to defeat Obama. According to one anonymous Republican strategist, "John was the perfect candidate to face Hillary. John isn't as strong within the Republican Party because of his moderate stances on certain issues, but because Hillary is such a divisive bitch, half of her own party hates her: John could have snatched up those spite votes! With the Dems running Obama, John won't get any of those spite votes. With Hillary pulling out, the only real chance we have is if we nominate Huckabee and he runs on an anti-gay, anti-porn, anti-evolution, anti-pre-marital sex, anti-strip clubs, anti-tolerance, anti-intelligence and pro-God platform. If we don't bring the Christian Right back into this race, we're done."

Clinton acknowledged her disappointed supporters, but she also announced that she welcomes the challenge of being the first woman president as well as simultaneously holding the WWE tag team championship. "There's nothing to say I can't do both. Bill and I are both extremely talented individuals. If I happen to win the Democratic presidential nomination, great. As of right now, Bad Ass Slick Willy and I, the Road Dog Hillary Rodham, the New Age Patriots, are dedicated to wining the WWE tag team title at Wrestlemania XXIV. "

Clinton then moved away from the microphone, threw several phantom punches, and gestured to the crowd to suck it, before leaving the stage to the Rocky theme.