The Sentinel

Issue date: 9/24/08 Section: Humor

Welcome, Class of 2013- we've been expecting you. As you embark on a 4-6 year journey through Ohio's premier research university, we at The Sentinel want to give you some insights into your new alma mater, THE Ohio State University. You won't find these tips on that cute Orientation video you watched when you came to campus, and the extra-super-awesomely-motivated student tour guide probably left these out of his speech that convinced you and your parents that THE Ohio State University was TBDUITU (The Best Damn University In The Universe). To their credit, I wouldn't trade the four years I've spent at OSU for anything, but it's not because some FYE (First-Year Experience) dude told me it was going to be awesome. So if you really want to get an edge on campus, continue reading for TBDAYGTY (The Best Damn Advice You'll Get This Year).

STUDENT ORGANIZATIONS
Ohio State is a university of acronyms. Get used to it. The trick is to see through the hype. If you're intent on becoming an extra-super-awesomely-motivated, looks-great-on-paper, I'm-majoring-in-finance kid, consider joining sweet acronyms like SAC (Student-Alumni Council), OUAB (Ohio Union Activities Board), or USG (Undergraduate Student "Government"). These organizations get a huge amount of funding from the University and are X2XTREME (whoo!) Clubs. C'mon guys, get psyched. Also, do a lot of shopping at Abercrombie and Hollister, as you'll need super sweet business-casual dress for all of those awesome student leader interviews. There are other student clubs on campus as well, but let's be real here: do you remember those nerdy kids in high school that raised their hands and debated your history teachers? Yeah. They're all here too, and they all got really into resisting the imperialist war machine, man, because the best way to bring down the pigs is eating food out of dumpsters. There are your usual cadres of hippies (SSDP), bright-eyed idealists (Students for Obama) and uptight upper middle class kids who learn to regurgitate Fox News to seem smart (College Republicans). Speaking of religious freaks, get ready for crazy fundamentalist preacher guy to set up shop on campus this fall and spring, yelling incoherent nonsense while waving a Bible and jumping up and down. Don't these people have something more Jesus-y to do? Like feeding the hungry and clothing the naked? Oh wait, that's Burritos Noches job at 2 AM after the Mirror Lake Jump…

THOSE CRAZY GREEKS…
Greek Life is certainly an option on a campus this large if you find that your dorm cohorts are more intent on rigging up an Xbox 360 network for the entire floor than having anything resembling a social life. The vast majority of fraternity guys and sorority girls are students just like you. But keep your wits about you. If you notice any of the following behaviors, GET OUT IMMEDIATELY: 1) The chapter is all-white and obviously well-to-do, yet the only music you hear from their chapter house is Notorious B.I.G. and Chingy. 2) Every vehicle in their parking lot is either an SUV or sporty-looking car they couldn't possibly afford on their own. 3) You hear the words "dude," "bro," and "like" more than like, eight times in like, a single conversation, bro. 4) More than half of the chapter membership goes tanning regularly during winter quarter.

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