The Sentinel

Issue date: 9/24/08 Section: Humor

Unlike a puppy, you can't just stop feeding a movie if it starts to stink. For this reason I take to the field to find out which movies truly deserve a Sentinel reader's hard earned drug money.

Swing Vote - Bud Johnson, an unemployed drunken deadbeat, is too busy being awesome in order to vote in the presidential election and so his scheming young daughter does it for him. Of course the vote didn't register, the election is tied, and the fate of the entire United States falls onto Bud's ballot. While the movie never actually reveals his final decision, it does provoke audiences to reflect inward and ask themselves one very important question. If you were in Bud's shoes, what method would you use to execute your daughter?

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 - In this outright explosive sequel, four friends find themselves slowly drifting away from one another during their first year at college. The story then takes a thrilling turn when they realize that they can continue to be good friends, as all four girls still fit in the same pair of pants. Finally in the truly electrifying ending, they reunite. Had I not previously watched an eleven hour documentary on the history of competitive cup stacking, I would say that this was by far the most entertaining movie I have seen all summer.

Pineapple Express - While smoking an extremely rare type of marijuana, Dale Denton witnesses a murder involving a major drug lord and accidentally drops his joint at the scene of the crime. Since the weed could only have come from one source, Dale and his pot hook-up, Saul will have to watch each other's back as they evade hit men ordered to take them out. In the end, despite the camaraderie that develops as they struggle to survive, an eight inch difference in waist size and the inability to fit in to the same pair of pants ultimately prevents Dale and Saul from ever experiencing true friendship.

Chopper is now a senior at Ohio State and will not be graduating any time soon. Although he knows very little about chemistry, his formula for a zero-calorie 'diet-roofie' should be perfected by summer '09. To learn more, email him at Chopper.Cleveland@gmail.com.

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