The Sentinel

Issue date: 9/24/08 Section: Humor

Between freshman move-in and the campus overview tour, you must be so sick of hearing O-H-I-O that you're ready to throw yourself out of an eleven story window. Unfortunately, this is why they have screens. As you will soon begin to realize, there are many other things to learn about Ohio State that orientation seemingly forgot to mention. However, being experienced seniors, we have decided to help you out by offering a few pieces of information which we were forced to learn the hard way.

Fine Dining - With your mommy and daddy no longer around to cook for you, it's time to act like an adult and find someone else to do it. Fortunately Ohio State provides incoming students with a variety of delicious dining options, some of which even uphold basic health requirements. Buckeye Express makes for a great lunch, Marketplace is excellent for groceries, and Kennedy Commons is a nice place to take a girl out on a romantic date. Totaling fourteen different choices spread out all around campus, if you play your cards right and keep a steady rotation, it is possible to go through freshman year without ever experiencing the same diarrhea twice.

Greek Life - So you haven't made any friends in your first three months of college and nobody seems to notice you. Fret not, I'm sure everyone else is just a loser and can only bong half as many beers. Fortunately, you are not alone. Social fraternities offer students like you a place where an overdeveloped social persona will not only fit in, but flourish. While Rush might last several weeks, Greek letters will last you a lifetime. The sacrifices you make will surely pay off in the long run, even when it comes time to apply for a career. While other applicants may be more qualified with 4.0 GPA's, extensive student activities and years of work experience, your ninja-like GHB-placement skills will leave an employer simply incapable of saying no.


The Class Curve - To many freshmen the curve system is something new to encounter as you start your collegiate career. For those of you who don't know, a curve uses relativity to weighs a students grade relative to their classmates. Furthermore, the best way to be successful in higher education is to make sure you use the curve to your full advantage. With a curve, students fall into one of two distinct categories; curve makers and curve breakers. Earning a lower than average grade, curve makers are classroom heroes who sacrifice their future for the greater good. On the contrary, curve breakers are sniveling self-righteous sacks of shit who collectively ruin the final grades of everybody else. Recently a new group has emerged that course syllabi often fail to mention. The curve killer is a proud but desperate student willing to change their position by any means necessary, even if it entails literally bombing the test.

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