The Sentinel

Issue date: 9/24/08 Section: Humor

I like friends. They're great; they're cool; whatever. But I'm in need of something more. I want more badass-ness, more mental issues, and more perversion. Anymore, these characteristics are hard to find in reality, but 90s TV, being the godsend that it is, houses enough hardcore, issue-ridden perverts for me to achieve my fix. Thus, without further adieu, I present the list of desired TV friends.

George Castanza, Seinfeld: Life is difficult, and some 'tards just make it worse. Normally, I would prefer to OD off light bulbs than entertain such a friend, but if he were George Castanza, I'm there. Who wouldn't enjoy a short, bald man with incessant neuroses? I know I would! I would love to come home from a long day, call up my pal George and lend hours to analyzing his parental issues and lack of sexual prospects. This would only make me feel better about my boring day-job and my inability to succeed in intermediate-level science courses. And maybe, just maybe, we'd recruit a mediocre comedian and his neighbor and form a badass posse that does nothing but sit at a shitty diner to discuss the top button of George's shirt, as well as his questionable heterosexuality.

Mark Healy, Roseanne: Ahh, to be back in 1993. When the rest of the world had succumbed to the greatness of Seattle-based grunge and all the flannel it entailed, Mark Healy preserved the idea that leather jackets could make a comeback. But more important than my leather digression, Mark Healy exemplified everything that the typical grunge dame could want in a man-friend: a handyman from the wrong side of the tracks that would somehow, in spite of his ignorance, take care of business.

This is where my heart is torn: if I'm looking for romance, I'd rather try my hand at Mark's brother, David, who, as we all know, had his fair share of Lee's loose-fits and Pearl Jam CD's. Oh David Healy, you, with your auburn perm and sensitivity, still make me swoon. But in terms of friendship, Mark outshines your ability to keep me entertained. And I'm sure Mark has more street cred.

Bottom line: though the possibility for an intellectual conversation is shot, I'm sure Mark Healy could score some good weed, and overall, that is all I ask.

Oh, and while we're on the subject, I want Dan Conner as a second dad. That is all.

Bud Bundy, Married… with Children: I am on the fence with Bud. While I'm sure that every hang-out session would have its awkward silences and sexual requests, I can't shake the idea that I want that friend who has a penchant for spandex and masturbates constantly to his wall posters.

Continued...

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