The Sentinel

Issue date: 5/30/08 Section: Culture

Unlike a fetus, you can't just abort a movie if it's having problems developing. For this reason I take to the field to find out which movies deserve a Sentinel reader's money.

What Happens in Vegas
Two strangers get drunk, marry and win $3 million while vacationing in Vegas. But when they try to get an annulment, the judge instead orders a freeze on the money and delivers a sentence of "six months hard marriage". Although the movie managed to uphold diversity requirements by casting Queen Latifah as the couple's therapist, the selection made screening exclusive to IMAX theatres, as a regular sized screen merely could not accommodate for such a colossal ass.

Iron Man
Kidnapped by terrorists in Afghanistan, billionaire weapon specialist Tony Stark creates a missile enhanced suit of armor to get him home before missing a meeting with his parole officer. Now, back in the US, he aims to perfect his design and finish the transition into becoming a full blown superjunky…err, I mean superhero. While I thought the movie did a relatively good job staying true to the comic books, I simply can't remember Iron Man's arch nemesis ever being the nose bleed.

Speed Racer
After refusing an offer to join the Royalton racing team, Speed realizes that the industry is corrupt and rigs competitions. Now, to beat Royalton once and for all, he enters the same daunting race that once took his brother's life. As a kid's movie, I was somewhat surprised with the way the movie ended. Speed ends up coming in second place breaking both front axels on his car, and within minutes, emergency mechanics surrounded Mach 5 and were forced to euthanize it.

Chopper is a junior at Ohio State and columnist for the Sentinel. He is currently batting 0.143 in bed this season. He can be reached for comment at Chopper.Cleveland@gmail.com.

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